Grateful...

Today I would just like to say....

 I am so extremely grateful and I thank God every day for the friends I've made here at SVU.

I've never had best friends like this before.

(Mckae, Chelsea, Emma if you are reading this know that I love you all.)

But these friends I've made here, my squad, are a gift straight from God.

With them I feel accepted. I feel loved. I feel important and needed and wanted.

And I don't know what I would do without them...

So here they are for your general approval and consideration.

The Squad.

I'll begin with Ashley.

She was my original roommate, who I met on my way down to SVU so we could see if we would survive living together.

To be honest neither of us was sure, there was an incident of me texting her while under the influence of drugs, post-surgery, and of a certain song from Wicked discussing a blond roommate that wouldn't stop playing in my head.

But similar to Elphaba and Glinda, we became best friends.

And I LOVE this girl!

She loves her family and is a miniature of her mom. But like a Lisa 2.0-she is an Ashley.

She is strong. She is good. She is beautiful. She is smart. And she is kind.

She took the time to see the good in her crazy Canadian roommate who physically can't stop talking sometimes and is a complete nerd.

And through late night deep spiritual discussions, soccer, a concussion, and 9 of the best months of my life, we have become best friends. Ashley Preisler, you are going to be an amazing missionary and I am going to miss you so much!

Our first meeting in Utah- at Costa Vida which I now love thank you very much Ashley!

 Our first day of classes! Woot woot!

This is our signature pose. Went to the DC temple together, and unintentionally matched. :)

 We were chilling at the airport waiting for our flights home at Christmas, and matching.

She has a deep and abiding love of rice krispies. She may kill me for posting this pic but I love it and I love her!

Next is Mac.

Mac Cottle who is Canadian too but denies it. Her grandfather was born in Canada, right near my hometown so I claim her as one of my own. 

But besides that point she is a proud Oregonian.

She flips between being a princess and a ba every day, and I love that about her. 

She is strong and trustworthy and good and cares a lot more than she will ever let on to anyone.

I am so glad she moved into our room!

And together we nerd out over Netflix, Harry Potter, books and musicals. 

And I will be honest. We have no pictures of the two of us together. None. Zip. Zero. Nada. 

It is so awkward. 

However, we decided the reason for this is because our bonding is watching Netflix together, separately in the dark. And having deep discussions. And neither of us are the type to instigate pictures so oh, well....

 I am definitely going to die for posting this photo. But that is Mac asleep in the back on our drive to FLORIDA!

This is from one of our very first weeks at SVU, getting ice cream. She is on the far right, next to me. :)

This is a self-portrait of her. JK, but she is Audrey Hepburn in her own mind, which I fully support because Audrey is Amazing.  

Here is a real photo of her. She is beautiful. But what I love best about her is that she is even more beautiful on the inside. She loves her family, especially her other 2/3's of her triplet gang. And she is brilliant. And cares so much about making the world better. I love you Macklemore!

Then there is Uri. 

Gosh what do you even say about Uri?

Maybe I should start with the fact her first name is Savannah, but we all call her by her last name. 

She is so musically talented, and she didn't even let us know forever. But she has mad skills. 

She is deeply loyal and protective of her family and friends. And we love her for that. 

She is so freaking funny and always makes us laugh. 

She is smart and courageous and daring and good.

But what I love most about her is how she can always tell when something is wrong with me. We don't always get along. To be honest we are very good at annoying each other. But she knows when I'm struggling. And often I will laugh it off, or deny it, but she can always tell. And I am so grateful for her in those moments, for seeing beyond the facade I put on and just being there. I love you Uri!

 This is Uri. She's kind of freaking awesome. ;)

During midterms we were stressed, and exhausted, and annoyed. But we were also matching. And that is obviously the priority, so we stepped away from our studying to take a picture. Gosh I love this girl! Thank you for always being there when I need to be distracted from my problems. 

Sierra.

Basically imagine the perfect person and you are close to picturing Sierra. 

She is so cool you can't even handle it. She is also so humble. 

Food is her comfort food. (Probably why we get along so well.) She also is kick-butt athletic and loves exercising, lifting weights and getting swoll.

She is smart and studious. But loves those study breaks.

And her love for her little sister melts my heart. I knew we would be best friends when she told me the story about how she prayed for a little sister and her prayers were answered. 

She also is gluten, dairy and soy free. I have a soft spot in my heart for people who can't eat food I guess. (Mckae and Emma I'm looking at you two)

But seriously though. Sierra is the bomb.com. 

This is the two of us. I spend time with her hoping some of her natural swag will come over to me. It hasn't happened yet but I am optimistic.

Sometimes we match. And we look mighty fine doing so. Sierra and I just click sometimes and have deep life discussions and it is freaking awesome. I love you C-Ratchet.

Then there is Kadee. To my eternal annoyance she doesn't have a middle name. I don't know why and I don't care to find out why. I just devote my time to figuring out a middle name for her. 

Some days she is Kadee Jeanette or Kadee Louise or Kadee May or Kadee Priscilla. On bad days she is Kadee Jezebel.

But my favourite is Kadee Kadeline. 

It has a nice ring to it...

I count my blessings every day and meeting Kadee is one of those blessings. 

I visited my family last weekend and was talking about my friends. Specifically about Kadee. And my mom asked me if she was a friend who cared as much about me as I did about her. Obviously, by the fact that question was asked it is a rare occurrence. And I could whole-heartedly answer yes.

Kadee and I are bosom sisters like Anne of Green Gables and Diane. 

I am so glad I met her. 

Both small-town girls. Oldest children. We get it. 

And I am grateful for that.

I LOVE THIS PICTURE! Someday I will frame this picture and hang it in my house because I love it so much. This is my Kadee.

Here is the two of us at the DC temple. 

And this is my 19th birthday. She is so darling, back home people call her Lady, as in Kadee Ladee. 

I love you Kadee Kadeline. 

So that is my squad. They make me happier than I have ever been. I have found the best friends that everyone talks about, and they were well worth the wait. Girls can be so petty and catty towards each other. But these ladies are amazing. We strengthen each other. We encourage each other. We make each other better. I feel so blessed and lucky to have them in my life.

SQUAD OUT!

Missing Uri... But this is us at the Winter Formal Dance. Which I personally believe should be called the Snow Ball. 

Elevator Groupie. 

In Florida together. Squads that travel together stay together!

Watching the Duff together. Which is now the Squad's official movie.

Barring how burnt I am.... This is the cutest pic ever!

At Stake Conference together.

I love you Squad!

Panic Attacks and Painting Spells

Have you ever noticed the connection between mental illness and creativity?

How the person writing the novel suffers from depression?
How the musician has anxiety disorder?
How the artist is ADHD?

Now I'm no scientist or psychologist so I don't know the studies behind this claim of mine.
 And I don't know if the chicken comes before the egg in this scenario or the egg comes before the chicken.

But I do know that with great talent comes great struggles.

And I am in no way saying that I am any great artist.
 I don't think I am.
I am probably my greatest critic and never feel like any piece is complete because it always can be improved.

But...

I do know my struggles.

And I look around me at those I think are the most talented.
They have struggles too.
They are filled with self-loathing, fear, the jitters or nothing at all...
And they hurt.

When I am in a bad place I always ask myself two questions.

Where am I am spiritually?
AND
When was the last time I created something?

And honestly, by improving one or both of those things I am able to leave that bad place and get to a better one.

Why is that?

Is it because my soul needs to create, that I am here to inspire and connect with others through my art?

Or is it because the demons inside me are only quelled through slapping them onto a canvas and covering them with brushstrokes until all I can see is the paint, instead of the pain?


I don't know.
But I do know that art, whether painting or drawing, brings me to peace.
Often that peace is accompanied by a deep need to sleep because I end up so emotionally exhausted.
But it's peace.

Genetically I come from a long line of artists and poets.
People who found peace in creating.
Maybe the line of mental illness in my family has us all grasping for a means of escape, and we end up in the arts.
Or maybe we are all artists and those abilities come with a price, the price of mental illness.
And maybe there is some third factor that I don't know of, that maybe our artisticness leads us to think deeper, and that deep thinking exposes us to the demons that plague humanity.

Regardless of why this connection exists I will gratefully accept my fair share of suffering if it means that someone sees something I created and they find the peace I found in its completion.

Because at the end of the day I am grateful.
And I will continue painting with faith because I know that is where I am supposed to be.
Standing with a canvas in front of me and a palette knife in my hand.
Enduring my trials.
Painting with faith.

Delays....

So I am at the airport this afternoon/evening/possibly the rest of my life.
It is General Conference this weekend and I am so excited for it.
Especially since I will be there with my family!
But before I get to Salt Lake I have 8 hours of waiting at airports to finish, plus the actual flying part.
So SLC I will see you at midnight!
As I've been waiting I wrote this poem...
Because I have nothing better to do.
Sigh....

She sat in the airport for hours on end

Wishing and praying that she’d find a friend,

The wifi was awful and her kindle was broke

A person to talk to was her only hope,

But nobody stopped and the world kept on spinning

Resolutely she waited,

As the sun began waning…

Still she sat and she sat as her cocoa turned cold,

And smiled at the passer-bys just hoping they’d slow

But their speeds kept increasing as they whipped right on by

To catch a plane,

To find their families,

Yet she continued to try,

And she would open her mouth,

As they turned their heads,

Or mutely whisper “hello”

While they instead,

Put in their headphones or shut their eyes,

So little to anyone’s great surprise

She put in her earphones,

And smiled and sighed

To the music that lived just inside of her mind…

As she sat in the silence of being alone in a crowd,

She thought of her reasoning

In venturing out,

A family reunion

A great reason to fly,

Because family is everything, even up in the skies.

Ya. That pretty much sums it up. 

A few of my Favourite Things....

As mentioned in my last post, I have a list of my favourite things. 

I like to reflect on what makes me happy whenever I have a bad day.

Sometimes it is nice to reflect on how blessed I am.

However, I am really good at losing things.
So I have to rewrite said list often.

But if I post it on her I won't be able to lose it.

Here we go...

Emmie's Favourite Things

The Gospel

Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

My family

Being called Emmie

Cardigans

Cardston Temple

My Squad

Swimming in the Ocean

Soccer Practice

Naps

Drawing, Painting, basically Art

Carriage House Theatre

Lemonade

Musicals and singing along to Showtunes

Beauty and the Beast

Politics class

Attractive men

SVU Green

Throwing Parties

Pippin the Musical

Washington D.C.

Italy

First Snowfalls

Hilary Weeks music

Memories of DQ with Dalys

Being barefoot

Cute earrings

Waking up happy

Baths

Libraries

The Young Women's program

Peacoats

Dancing in the Rain

Finales that leave you stuck in your seat, because the ending was so perfect it leaves you breathless.

Of course I have a lot more things that are my favourite than just this short list.

One of the greatest lessons I ever learned is exemplified in this quote:

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. 

Life is about learning to dance in the rain.

I have had trials in my life.
I've had hard times.

I've had my fair share of storms and I know that there are more on the horizon.

But I've gotten through those storms.

And I will get through more.

The best way to do so is to dance in the rain.

To smile through the fog.

To fight against the riptides.

And to be happy in spite of everything telling you that you shouldn't be.

And so I am thankful.

I am grateful.

I am happy.

And I know I am loved.

Scroll back up to the top of my list of favourite things, what are the first two?

....................

That is the reason I am happy. 

That gives me the strength I need to face every day.

Without a loving Heavenly Father and a knowledge of Him, I don't know where I would be now, or who I would be.

But I know that as I am now, I am happy.

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

John 8:12

Palette Knives and Pink Cardigans

So I haven't written in 2 weeks, that's slightly awkward. Sorry about that...
Florida was great!

The beach was simply incredible, and I got enough Vitamin D to last me till summer, so that was awesome.
Now I'm back to the daily grind.
Monday was my Portfolio Review for Art, I will post pictures soon of my completed artworks.
As was hinted at in the title of this blog, I have started working with palette knives.

I LOVE PALETTE KNIVES!

Palette knives are bae.
Bae is bae.
******* is bae.
(Squad joke)

But even my professor acknowledged that working with palette knives come naturally for me.
A compliment I sincerely appreciated.
When I post pictures I will also talk more about working with palette knives and the differences between brushwork and using the knives.

On to the second part of the title.

PINK CARDIGANS.

I love making lists, it calms me down when I'm stressed, and helps me to refocus on my priorities.

Near the top of my Favourite Things list is Cardigans.

It may be because they complete any outfit.
It may be because they come in multiple colours and match everything.
It may be the degree of classiness that accompanies a cardigan.
Or maybe I just like to be warm without actually wearing a jacket.
Regardless, cardigans are one of my favourite things in the world.

Today is a pink cardigan, black & white polka dot pants and grey oxford shoes....
Today is a good day.

Just your average week...

So in countdown, just over 2 1/2 days I will be leaving for FLORIDA to spend Spring Break with my best friends. Obviously I am so excited! However. But. Although. There is a lot to do before Spring Break is here! For some weird reason all the professors think that they can assign all this homework and quizzes and tests to do before all the students leave for a week. Weird right? Fine, I realize the predicament but still.
My today schedule has been a swirling vortex of doom.
4am Alarm goes off, get up
4:15 am Slightly awake, pulling up all my assignments, eating skittles in the hope that sugar wakes me up
4:30 am Editing and making corrections on my Humanities paper
5:30 am Studying for my Humanities test
7 am Make oatmeal for breakfast, work on Politics homework
7:30 am Shower and get dressed
8 am Work on Politics homework
9 am Correct all the weird editing I did on my Humanities paper at 5 am
9:30 am Paper printed off, makeup on face, raincoat grabbed (because of course it is rainy today) and out the door
10 am Humanities Test which I better have rocked, and think I did
11 am Order food for lunch, go to library and finish Politics homework
12 am Totally distracted researching graduate studies at Oxford University (Mom, Dad, if you are reading this we are still like 4 years away from even applying so don't worry)
12:30 pm Realize my Politics homework is due in 45 minutes!
1:15 pm Scramble to finish homework and print it off
1:30 pm Make it to Math class in time
2:45 pm Realize I have no idea what I did in Math today, turn in Politics homework
3 pm Research optimal nap times (NASA says 26 minutes), attempted to nap but I am not napping at a desk in the library. Nope.
3:30 pm Given up trying to nap, now writing this very blogpost. Wow.
3:45 pm Study for Politics final KNOW EVERYTHING
4:30 pm Review maps of the world for Politics Final
5 pm Eat Dinner
5:15 pm Review all my Politics notes one last time
6 pm POLITICS FINAL
(Truth be told I have no idea how long this test will take, lets say it takes me 2 hrs)
8 pm Paint....... I have a portfolio review tomorrow and two unfinished pieces
10 pm Call Mac and beg for a ride, probably end up walking, and go to bed.

I got this. I totally got this. And I will deal with tomorrow when I get there, right?
Seriously though, college life is great. I spent 6 hrs studying for my politics final yesterday and only made it through a quarter of the material. Luckily I love politics, and I know this and I got this.
Good luck world.
Good luck with midterms, finals, or whatever other stresses you have to deal with.
We got dis....

A bit of library fun with my squad.

And a quote to help all of us make it to spring break!

Fitting In

What was the moment you realized you were different?

That you didn't fit in with everyone around you?

For some readers out there you may not have realized it yet. If so I apologize for bursting your bubble. (No one truly fits in)
For some of you it was in Jr. High, that awkward age of puberty and all that entails.
For some they were born knowing they were different.

For me, I was about 7.

Before this I had experiences that caused me to realize I was different than my peers, but they were minor incidences whose significance have been brushed away by time.

Playing with cars instead of playing house with the rest of my preschool class.
Preferring to sit with the adults and just watch everyone interacting rather than join in running laps around grandma's living room.
Being born with a sense of politeness and decency that most children must be taught.

However, looking back through the years there was one single moment when all of a sudden it clicked, and I realized that my peers, while of the same age group and social class for the most part, were not of the same mentality as I was.

From then on I realized, that I was different.

It was a warm April day. I was in grade one, and for the most part first grade is free of cliques and social status. I was in the advanced reader program, had the lead in the Christmas play and had the best Halloween costume that year, as I had dressed up as Harry Potter.

That day I was out playing at recess when I saw one of my friends run past me screaming.

Concerned, I turned to her as a boy ran past me chasing her. She kept screaming at him to leave her alone, but no one else on the playground seemed too concerned about this.
Jumping up I rushed to her aid, and grabbed the boy by the back of his hoodie. He skidded to a stop, and bravely I told him to leave my friend alone, and stop harassing her. (Again I was in the advanced readers program.)

Just then my friend came stomping over to me, having realized that the boy in question was no longer chasing her. She told me to let go of him, and that they were just playing a game. He told me to stop being a spaz and started chasing after her again.

Confused I stepped away from the situation and sat down on the hill to ponder what had just taken place.

My friend had screamed for help. She was being chased. I bravely stepped in, though I was regarded as being fairly shy at the time. I felt that I should have been a hero. Instead I was mocked for my actions.
I puzzled over what had happened all that day, and even now thinking about it still causes a slight twinge of pain in my heart.

That day I realized that I was different. That what I felt was an appropriate course of action was not, and all of a sudden I had to reconsider all my beliefs.

Looking back, I am proud of little Emmie. Of her choice to stand up for her friend, regardless of how it all played out.

And I am proud to be different.

School was not an easy time.
From that moment on there was always something that caused me not to fit in.
I was the kid who everyone wanted to copy their homework off of.
I was the one entrusted to keep an eye on the crazy kids to make sure they were paying attention in class.
I played by myself most recesses because the games everyone played seemed trivial to me, choosing instead to talk with the teachers or with other like-minded kids.
I joined many fads and trends, not because I understood them, but because I wanted to fit in.
I was depressed as a sixth-grader at a time when most of my classmates were still concerned with stuffed animals and lunch money.

I made it through Jr. High school. (Those years sucked so we will just skip over them.)

And in High School I was the founder and president of my high school's service club.
I was in student council for two years.
I coached soccer.
I worked at a good job and was one of the best employees they had.
I had good grades, and was a favourite of some of my teachers.
And I ruled that school.

Now I am in college. Where I have the best friends I have ever had in my life. Who love me for everything that makes me different. And I have realized that it is those things that make you different that make you special.

I am courageous.
I am compassionate.
I am brave.
I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am ambitious.
I am a daughter of God.

I am happy.