Teardrops on the Canvas

Since I am sick today with a pile of homework to do before tomorrow, and an eye-watering amount of essential oils, vix, and body rub layered on in the hopes that it will make me feel better, I thought I should probably be a little productive and write a blog post!

So hello world. 

This past week I was in the studio, working on my latest painting. Now, this latest painting I just gave my inhibitions to the wind and just painted from the soul. 

And it turned out really good. 

So I was touching it up a little, before my class started, when my professor walked in. No big deal, I was excited for him to applaud my painting. 

Not so....

He walks in, sees my painting, and points out the fact the eyes are up too high on the face, and if I had a model then I wouldn't have messed that up.

Sigh.....

First of all I hate that I care so much. I held back tears and agreed with him, thanking him for the critique and promising to work on it for next time.

While wanting to scream. 

Being an artist is a lot of practice. A lot of critiques. A lot of opposing opinions. And a lot of frustration. 

However, I understand that. 

Before starting this class my dad, the wonderful art teacher he is, reminded me that I was there to learn. That learning involved being frustrated, and knowing me he told me that if I didn't end up crying this semester over my art then I wasn't putting as much work as I should into this class.

Thank you dad.

I want to be comfortable and stick to what I know, and get better at that. 

However, but, although that's not how it goes, is it?

So I had my first cry about my art. 

And for my next painting you better believe I will get those eyes right, though I am sure I will get something else wrong.

But slowly I will continue to improve.

And looking back over the years I have improved so much, and that is something I am so extremely proud of.

Thoughts.

So I read this great article this morning, about creative people and how their brains are different than how other people's brains work.
 http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/people-understand-creative-people/929580/
And so I am sharing it with you all today.

So now that my deepest emotions are posted on this blog, and my soul has been revealed I guess I should move on to the other aspects of my life.
Starting with...........
My art.
Since I call this blog painting with faith, I should probably show some of the art I've done.
Makes sense right? OK...

To begin, I LOVE SUNFLOWERS! I grew up in my old, built in the 1930's house, with a white picket fence, and a row of sunflowers that were so tall you couldn't even see my house. As a child I felt like these sunflowers were my row of sentinels, who protected me and my house. 

Another thing about me, is I love line drawings. Visual texture is super important to me in my art. This is a line drawing I did of Joseph Smith's First Vision, an event crucial to my faith as a Latter-Day Saint.

Another sunflower, also done in line drawing, also featuring a white picket fence... A common theme I guess.

Now while you've seen a couple line drawings I need to make it clear I LOVE COLOUR! However, but, although, this is one of my favourite works I have done. It was so much work throughout the whole process... But it turned out so good. And the whole light vs. dark concept I adore.

This is something that needs to be included. It was my first time using chalk pastel, and my first colour portrait.

 And I love the colors and the shading I used. 

Portrait of Ardeth Kapp. Former Young Women General President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

This is a rough sketch of the Cardston Alberta Temple.

 And looking back at this sketch it was a really good day for me, where I just sat in my car, listening to music, sitting outside the temple and just sketching it, no worries. So I like this sketch.

Going back to the "I love Colour" aspect of everything, this is a garden scene I did in oil pastel. 

This was an acrylic painting of the tomb where Christ was buried. I like aspects of the shading of the wall, and in the trees. It was a good lesson in shading, as well I included a lot of hidden symbols which makes it so much better in my mind.

I LOVE THIS PIECE! 

DANG THAT TREE!

 I LOVE THAT PALM TREE!!!!!! 

Enough said.... I gave it to my mom and it hangs in her office, and I smile every time I visit her. Plus she gets lots of great comments on it. 

This was never finished. However, it has so much potential. I was going to modge podge photos of my sister and I on the front, and it will look good. 

But this is a collage of Portland, Oregon and some of my favorite memories of that beautiful places.

Sigh..... I love the poncho so much... This was an attempt at expressionism.... It definitely was fun I'll say that much.

I really do like this one. This I made as the desk mat for my desk in my high school art class. It was a photo I took, and then did in chalk pastel.

 I took this picture after I took the mat off my desk so it got kind of got wrecked but it was fun while it lasted, and it made me smile every day I went to art.

Now we are on to newer stuff. 

This isn't finished yet, but it is one of my weird abstract line drawing people that I have been drawing for years. 

I like this painting, though it isn't done yet, because I'm trying out this style of mine, and the wash of the background, and her empty form conveys her humanity and the emotion she is feeling. 

Sketch of Benedict Cumberbatch.

Painting I just did of a tulip. In oil.

Sketch of Chandler Bing from Friends.

Ok, totally not my style. Totally not my usual kind of art I do. However, I love it. I call it The Siren's Call. It's dark and kind of scary. But I like the monochromatic look, and the texture and I love that one day I just didn't care, painted and this is what came out of it. Terrifyingly beautiful. 

So this is a glimpse of my art. It's rough and just a beginning. But it's mine. And it is the beginnings of something beautiful I am sure. Because I LOVE this. I LOVE art. I LOVE putting my emotions out there and then saying goodbye to them. I LOVE the peace I find. And I LOVE developing talents that I have been working on since my first drawing at age 3 of Winnie-The-Pooh, which I may just post someday. But overall I am comfortable being me and pursuing art forever. 

And painting with faith.

So this is what it feels like

Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. Jump outside your comfort zone. And change your life.
That's what I did this past year. As someone who finds it hard to leave her room and her house most days I packed up and moved to Virginia to go to school.
Different country, opposite side of the continent, where I literally knew no one.
Holy Shiz batman.
I guess that's why this video hit me so hard. Because on a smaller scale I relate to this.
(Gist of the video. Girl who suffers from anxiety disorder and depression sings on Americas Got Talent and KILLS IT)
I fight every day to get up, to be social, to choke down my fears and be brave. Every decision I am choking down a panic attack, and that's not even the big stuff, that's whether I can spend $5 to buy lipstick at the drug store. The big decisions leave me paralyzed for weeks.

america's got talent- Halleluia

So to see her bravery and her success, it made me bawl my eyes out, but it also gave me courage.
I applaud for putting herself in such a nerve-wracking situation.
And I applaud her for enduring the panic attacks it surely must have taken to get her to that point.
Watching this my anxiety got so bad, feeling her fear.
But I am proud of who I am.
Of those out there raising awareness.
And of those brave enough to face the world and say this is who I am.
Right here, this is who I am.
This is my small step of bravery.
Hallelujah.

Outside the Realm of Comfort

So yesterday I told people about my blog. 

And almost had a panic attack doing so. I have a hard time opening up to people, which those who are closest to me find ironic. I talk all the time. I'm always telling stories about my life. And people think they know me. 

But thinking of all the people who I talk to, there is no one who truly knows me. And that is ok, because I don't even know myself. I feel like my life is a puzzle, and I give people I trust different pieces of the puzzle with each story I tell. Which really is the way I like it, I crave to be understood, but I don't think as long as I'm here on earth I can be understood. 

Because my life here on earth is just a chunk of my life, so how can I truly be understood if all I remember is 19 years of eternity? 

Regardless, I share pieces of myself with everyone, in the hopes that people will be able to piece together who I am, and hopefully let me know what they find, because I don't know. But this blog, the struggles I've talked about and will talk about, those are the puzzles pieces I keep right next to my heart. These ones I don't just hand out to everyone. 

Part of it is a fear of being judged, of being misunderstood, and part of it is that there is a difference between stories about my childhood and pieces of my soul and identity. 

However, I need to be brave. I'm not courageous, I fight an internal battle everyday to face the world. And this right here, this blog, is my fight to be courageous. 

So world, here is my soul, laid bare for you to examine and judge.

All I ask is you be kind, and I will keep writing, whether you like it or not. 😘

Past the Easy Parts

Now some of you readers may be in for a shock, so be prepared for this next line.

You ready?

Ok. Here it is. Life isn't easy.

Yep I said it.

And painting isn't easy either.

I walk into the studio and gather my palette, brushes and paint. I put my work in progress on my easel, and I sigh....

Because the work in progress stage sucks.

Starting a painting is invigorating, you don't think, you just paint what you feel. And when you are done, you're done. But then you come back to it and recognize the flaws, the spots you forgot. And you realize that what you see could use improvement so you resolutely start touching it up.

And then you get bored... So booooooorrrrreeeeeddddd. But you aren't a quitter, and you know you won't be happy if you walk away from this halfway done painting so you keep going.

You forget about perspective because you just want to be done. But then you realize without that perspective the painting won't end up how you want it to. (Feel free to interpret perspective in life terms, whether as your goals, religion, family whatever.)

You rushed ahead with the focal point and forgot about the background and the details so you've got to go back and add that in.

(Again interpret that in a life way. Details are important. Being too focused on the main thing while skipping the little things doesn't work out well.) And you realized their wouldn't be a freaking tunnel in the middle of the woods so you've got to add a mountain in there to fix it. ( I don't have an interpretation for this but if you found a moral in there good for you.)

And you drag yourself back to the studio each day.

Slowly your painting looks worse and worse.

Until the day comes....

When it's completed and beautiful and way beyond your original vision for it.

The pride you feel.

That you continued on, past the point you wanted so badly to give up.

Now my life isn't over, not for a long time hopefully, cause I've got lots to do. But I feel like painting is like life.

Coming to earth I can just picture myself so freaking excited.

Then I came here, and it's hard.... There's pieces that are great and beautiful but really I'm just one ongoing work in progress. It's exhausting at times.

But someday all those screw ups will work together to become a masterpiece.

So until that day comes I'll just keep painting.

Painting by faith.

Painting with faith

Hello world!

This is my blog; of irrationality and friendships, of struggles and successes and most importantly of art and faith.

I need a place to express myself, to vent and release the pent-up emotions inside my soul. I'm not all that great with speaking, but writing, I can do that. However, my favorite way to communicate is through my art. When I haven't painted in a while I can feel it in my arms, in my hands, this built-up emotion that I need to release. I hate conflict, I'm not good with confrontation, and I feel most of my life is spent restraining myself so I better fit in with the world around me. But when I leave the world behind and I go paint or draw, that is when I find peace. I am able to release all that so I can return to a good place.

Another benefit I find from this is that I have anxiety and attention-deficit disorder, which I live with and draw strength from. I don't suffer from it, it isn't weakness, it is just another aspect of who I am. And I am proud of who I am. However, I won't lie and say that my life is easy because of this. Quite the opposite actually. But when I draw, I just draw. It is not for anyone else but me. That relieves the anxiety and stress. And when I paint, there is not set order to how to do it, there is no rule saying when a painting is done, or that you have to finish one painting before you start another.

Art doesn't judge. Art doesn't discriminate. Art embraces uniqueness and allows me to be at peace. Which I will admit, is something I don't feel very often.

Now, I am sure you have read the title of this blog and wondered, when is she getting to the faith aspect? We have already covered it, but I will rephrase it. When I paint I am at peace. I feel a connection that can only be described as spiritual, when all the trivial and superficial disappears and it is just the paint, canvas and I. It is at those moments when I feel closer to heaven then any other time, when I can think and listen, and truly communicate with my Heavenly Father. And it is in those moments that I know he loves me. That the trials I am going through, and the struggles I face are all just a paint stroke in the canvas that is my life. They shape the painting, enhance it, but they aren't the painting. A brush stroke is simply a stroke, and a trial is simply a single stroke, a single moment of life. Realizing this I am able to paint those trials into my paintings, and leave them there to dry as I walk away, pounds lighter from relieving those burdens.

I paint by faith. I live by faith. And I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or the day after that, or where I will be 1,5,10 years from now. But I do know that through faith I can face the future, and I find that faith in my art. So I will keep painting for today, and we will see where that takes me.