Long time coming....

Hi.

It has been a while since I've really posted anything and trust me it's not for lack of trying. 

I have probably ten drafts saved.

And have spent countless hours staring at a blank screen.

Thinking of what I wanted to say. 

I've felt so many things I wanted to say.

But I couldn't seem to put it into words.

And I'm sure there is more I need to say then this. 

But for today... This is where I am at.

First. 

I'd like you to listen to this song while you read. 

Or before.

Whatever suits you...

                    

I guess I don't know where to start.

But I guess I will just write and hope that what I feel will come out.

I live by faith.

My faith is a critical component of who I am. 

It defines me.

It has shaped me into who I am.

And I know that it is shaping me into the woman I want to be.

I struggle a lot though.

As ridiculous as this may sound, I always know but I don't always believe.

It's hard to believe there is more than what is right in front of me.

It's hard to believe that for someone as flawed as I am there is always unconditional love.

It's hard to believe that I have a Savior who suffered in Gethsemane and took upon Him all the sins and sufferings of everyone who has ever and will ever live, died upon the cross and was resurrected so that I may live. 

It's hard to believe that I can be with my family forever.

It's hard to believe in eternity.

 But how could I doubt?

When I know that there is so much more than what I can see.

When I know that I am loved by a family I can't remember, yet remembers and knows me.

When history tells of, and scriptures preach of a Messiah, a Savior, a Redeemer, who would and did atone for my sins, and felt my pain so that in my darkest moments I would never be alone. 

When I look at my family and just know that these people are bound to me deeper than simply shared DNA, but are bound to me far longer than a till death do you part or for the course of my earthly life.

When I realize that this can't be it.

That there must be more.

That there in fact is more.

And you know what?

I'm sure some readers are ready to stop reading at this point.

Are probably scoffing and rolling their eyes at this mormon nonsense.

That no one can "know" anything of the sort.

And that is ok.

Maybe I am totally and completely delusional and wrong and once I die that is it.

But I will die having treated people in the way I felt was best.

I will die having served and improved my little part of the world.

And I will die at peace, having no qualms about what lies beyond, but will go calmly and happily. 

I am fine with that. 

But I do believe.

And I know.

Which makes life so much easier for me.

Not easier in that I don't have trials and struggles and heartache.

Because I do.

But easier in that I can see that there is a purpose to everything. 

Whether it leads me to new opportunities, or teaches me something I previously didn't understand, or simply is a test to grow my faith, there is a purpose for the pain. 

And I need that. 

And I know that I have Heavenly Parents who love me. 

And a whole family on the other side who have lived and struggled and endured and are now cheering for me and are there for me, even though I can't see them.

I know that my life has a purpose. 

Which I guess is where I am getting with this post. 

And also how this song ties into everything. 

Sorry for the ramble/not ramble of earlier. 

Here is where I am getting to. 

By believing that God has a plan for me I also believe that this plan will come to pass in His timing. 

That to truly be happy I need to trust Him. 

That for the greatest happiness I need to rely on His plan and its timing in my life.

Doing the right thing at the right time at the right place.

I should also mention this doesn't mean I sit around waiting. 

I am not a damsel in distress.

I have a brain.
I have logic.

I have talents and ambitions and dreams.

And my Heavenly Father knows that. 

And a lot of those talents are gifts from Him. 

He wants me to live and do what I can with what I have.

But that doesn't mean I live without His guidance.

I live.

I make plans.

I follow through on those plans.
But I also stay in contact and let Him know how I am feeling, what my fears are and ask if I'm doing what I should.

It's part trust that He will make sure I'm on the right path,

Part faith that He won't let me screw up too bad before straightening me out,

and part just communicating with my Heavenly Father like I do with my earthly father and asking for guidance and direction, knowing that He knows me better than I know myself at times. 

And He does.

He knows a me that I don't remember.

A me that stood up for His plan a lifetime ago. 

A me that fought for what I believed.

A me that was valiant. 

A me that wanted this body I have so badly that she would risk all she had for it.

A me that wanted to prove herself and prove her faith. 

A me that rejoices every time I take a step forward in the gospel and as my testimony grows. 

And He loves me.

And He lets me move forward without directing my every move.

But is there to point me in His direction.

Leading me back to Him.

What I am trying to say with this is I am waiting. 

A good waiting.
I am waiting for direction on my next step.

I have been led so many times in my life.

Led to things that I didn't want at times, but ended up making me so happy. 

And I have made choices that have led me to the path I am on now. 

A path I love. 

There is still so much more ahead of me. 

So many things I will be lead to or am being lead to. 

And still some of my greatest choices lie ahead of me. 

So while I am waiting, I am waiting with faith.

I am serving while I wait. 

I am learning while I wait.

I am growing while I wait. 

In the church we have a name for this waiting.

It's called enduring to the end.